When Ramona Allmond died last December, police say the 84-year-old's relatives took her body out back and burned it in a makeshift barbecue so they could continue cashing her retirement checks.“The suspects said the family had actually used the culvert to cook their Thanksgiving turkey several weeks before they put the body in it,” Capt. Paul Hosler of the Tehama County Sheriff's Department tells the Corning (Calif.) Observer.
Kathleen Allmond, the woman's 50-year-old daughter, and Tony Ray, her 30-year-old grandson, face charges of embezzlement, cruelty and disposing a body without a permit.
In exchange for many years in prison, they got to temporarily enjoy an extra $25k walking-around money and a tasteful necklace fashioned from a portion of the departed's skull.
When I leave this Vale of Tears, I hope someone will carve my bones into those little miniature swords used to spear olives. I like olives.
Nothing like barbecue... the way Grandma makes it! Pass some of them olives, Donnah. The black ones, not the green ones with the gross red things in them.
Posted by: Starla Darling at October 17, 2008 09:04 AMWhen I die, I want my ashes scattered in the BBQ grill for the post-funeral feast. My survivors can cook anything they want as long as mesquite or hickory wood chips are introduced at some point.
Posted by: james at October 18, 2008 07:31 PMI read once about a lady in Australia whose husband died in a car wreck. She had his ashes put into her breast implants so she'd "never really have to part with him." At first I thought "How sweet." Then I thought, "And what happens if she finds a new man? Can you just see them making out on the couch, and she opens up her blouse and says "Baby, I want you to meet my husband." And everytime New Man touches her there he knows he's feeling up Original Man. lol
Posted by: Starla Darling at October 18, 2008 08:27 PMI wanna have my ashes turned into an ash glaze and applied to some pottery that I intend to make and have waiting. Maybe my kids could sell a few limited edition pieces!
Posted by: GH/SS at October 20, 2008 09:20 PMIck. You'd stand a good chance of winding up at a yard sale, and none of the kids will fess up to who put you on the table with the Dukes of Hazzard lunchboxes and crew-cut Barbies.
Posted by: Starla Darling at October 20, 2008 09:37 PMIf you cut your kids out of the will, they could launch the pottery and shoot them as skeet.
Posted by: James at October 21, 2008 04:37 PMI'd a hell of a lot rather my cremains be used for target practice than to be laid out in a box and everybody going by saying "Oh, doesn't she look good?" Why DO people do that at funerals?
Posted by: Starla Darling at October 21, 2008 05:15 PMNot me..
I want one of those straight up, embalmed by some guy using all of his powers..etc..
AND I want lots of flowers and sad women boo hooing
without end.
If I have a dead wife at the time, I might consider
having her ashes implanted in a 'special place'..but guys..WE all know I will die first, so that is highly unlikely..
Besides, if obammy gets elected, I will probably die in some cotton field in Rwanda..
Plus, as an added attraction, I'd REALLLLLY like to have a whole troop of cops in kilts marching and playing Stateboro Blues on bagpipes, so Starla
will come to the funeral.
Inserted comfortably into my ear as they lower my cold dead empty body down into the red clay will be an mp3 player with the entire ABB collection
playing wide open- and my Goldtop nestled in my
frozen hands forever, with a Corcidan bottle on my left third finger, and a Glock 40 in my right hand, packed with talons.
Draped over the simple oak casket will be the
battle flag of Co 'I' 50th GaVolInf, with the
Moultrie SCV camp slowly playing a soft rendition of "I'm a Good Ol Rebel" by Hoyt Axton, followed by Elvis' famous trilogy song.
I would like as many uncomfortable son in laws as possible to be there, along with several grandchildren chasing lizards and hanging around the desert table.
Afterwards, I'd like all my old compadres to gather out near the shop, and one of my cousins to whip out a bottle of Weller's Rebel Yell and pass it around till someone gets really drunk and starts telling really awful, truthful, stories about what a sorry ass I was..LOL
Then, everybody can leave and meet up again at the High Springs rest area..for one last send off.
Posted by: csason at October 22, 2008 08:16 AM
I think you have to be either a Hell's Angel or in the Mafia to get that kind of huge send-off. But we'll do our best. I'll come, wearing my best mourning dress (black backless leather minidress with sequins, fishnets and six-inch stilettos; hey, who says mourning can't be glamorous?) and I'll also bring the potato salad and, if you happen to have mentioned me in your will, I'll even bring a chocolate-chip Kahlua cake.
Laissez les bontemps roulez!
"I'd a hell of a lot rather my cremains be used for target practice than to be laid out in a box and everybody going by saying "Oh, doesn't she look good?" Why DO people do that at funerals?"
Well, I'm not sure but I'm thinking maybe because they wouldn't be fondly thought of if they said "Wow, she looks like crap! What the hell is she thinking of?"
Posted by: Frank at October 22, 2008 01:41 PMUmmmm, olives stuffed with blue cheese for a nasty dirty naughty martini...
Posted by: Mr. Bingley at October 22, 2008 09:10 PMYum. And I say that even as somebody who has never even had a martini. lol But if a Bloody Mary can be good with a pickled string bean in it, as I had them down in NOLA that time, the blue cheese olive martini can't be bad.
Posted by: Starla Darling at October 22, 2008 09:37 PMWhen I'm done, my ashes will be turned into jewelry.
http://www.artfromashes.com/jewelry.htm
Posted by: Cindy M at October 25, 2008 09:26 AMWhat's that I smell? Could it be... Spam? Methinks so.
All spammers go straight to hell you know. Where they're stuck pushing the "delete" button and/or forwarding silly chain e-mails for all eternity. Word to the wise.
(Starla, do you always talk to machines that can't answer you back? Yes, as a matter of fact I do, if it's all the same to you.)